Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Really Funny Wednesday

Things dogs remind themselves to do/not do:
  1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.
  4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
  5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it up.
  6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to be sick.
  7. I will not throw up in the car.
  8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no matter how good they smell.
  9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.
  10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them after processing, in the back yard.
  11. The nappy bin is not a cookie jar.
  12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they want me to have one, they'll get me one.
  13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so that when I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.
  14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down on rainy days.
  15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
  17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
  18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
  20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.
  22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing after getting a bath.
  23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way to greet visitors.
  24. I will not hump on any human leg, no matter how attractive.
  25. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow next to their heads.
  26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
  27. I will not consider the toilet bowl a magical, never-ending water supply, in spite of clear evidence that it is.
  28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is here.
  29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided. Except when in-laws are here.
  30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
  31. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be back and I'll have another shot at him.
H/T: TweetiePie

Things people put on vehicle bumpers:

Jesus loves you...
but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying
"No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called
....they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
....some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...
You'll need it to blow up your date.

I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

If God didn't want us to eat animals,
Why did He make them out of meat?

Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive
because it is illegal to shoot them.

Hang up and drive!!
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America speak English
H/T: The Happy Carpenter via That Fallen Angel

The Happy Carpenter has more from the Texas Parks and Wildlife Commission on rules for hunting attorneys