A Gearhead's Guide to Tools
Friday funny stuff. Everyone who likes to wrench on their own wheels can easily (or painfully) recognize these definitions.
a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.
b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say, "Ouch...."
c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age
d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
of.
h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender.
j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.
k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
o. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.
p. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.
q. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end without the handle.
r. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
s. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
t. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
u. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
v. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench
that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in
Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
w. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
x. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
y. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
z. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.
b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say, "Ouch...."
c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age
d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
of.
h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender.
j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.
k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
o. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.
p. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.
q. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end without the handle.
r. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
s. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
t. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
u. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
v. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench
that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in
Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
w. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
x. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
y. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
z. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
posted by GunnNutt at 11:10 AM
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